Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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