we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
