Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
