i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
