I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
