who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
