then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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