Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
