im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
