i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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