I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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