Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
