I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
