Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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