My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
