we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
