Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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