there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
