she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
