you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
