using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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