I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
