She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
