If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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