When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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