If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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