I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
