his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
