i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
