I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
