the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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