Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
