I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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