Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
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i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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