is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
