we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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