After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
