my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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