Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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