I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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