I cockslap morals
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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