when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
