Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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