Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We are two peas in an std pod
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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