wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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