based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
