u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
