I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
