Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
