you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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