Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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