My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
