Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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