I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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