Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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