I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
